Letter to PJ

Last day, buddy. Of course I am sad, and yes that is why I was crying this morning because I will miss you and I am sorry that I don't enjoy hanging out with you anymore like I once did.

This is how these things always end, with the one who has decided It Is Done saying, "It's not you, it's me." And in this case it's true. I can't sustain any close relationship for long, Peej. Five years seems to be my maximum, that's how long that marriage lasted, so long ago. It's how long I have known you. Isn't that wild?

Five years ago, I had just ended a really unhappy relationship that I had allowed to engulf and smother me. Like a diver surfacing too fast, I was afraid of how I would be able to deal with sudden oxygen of no one needing me every day. I was so afraid of being alone. So when that woman at work said she had some kittens, I thought it was the perfect solution. I took you and your brother home with me, and it really helped.

You were always my favorite. At first, you hated to be cuddled. Your brother, Simon, couldn't get enough of it while you would stiffly struggle out of my arms to sit an arm's length away licking your paw or tailtip. So when you would finally sit in my lap, it was a triumph, a meeting halfway with your catness. At night, you would both sleep with me, one on either side, like we were a drowsing division sign.

Eventually we moved to Texas and you guys seemed really happy in that second big space. You kept yourselves occupied, tearing up and down the stairs, playing across the wood floors, hiding in your garage when you wanted peace and quiet. The economy kind of killed it for us all, didn't it?

 The time here in Phoenix has been hard, Monchhichi. Living with my parents was tough for us all, losing our house, our autonomy. When I could finally move out, the two of you were going to be too much for the new small space. So, I made a terrible mistake and found Simon a new home. I should never have given away your best friend, buddy. I'm sorry. And now we are here. You are so unhappy alone all day, and I am so unhappy with your new neediness. We are living uneasily together, in the awkwardness of the end of a relationship. We both yell too much and can't adequately apologize. I am never graceful or cool at the end. But I will miss you and I am confident and very slightly consoled by the surety that I have found you a good, loving, new home.