- Trying to write out and about
- Trying to write with someone else
- Trying to write with the internet/music on
Or not, who knows? I can't stick to a damn schedule--that's what I really think the problem is. I am afraid of failing and of succeeding. I am afraid of what will happen when I move. I am terrified that somehow, I won't move--that I'll be thwarted and stuck here forever.
I am afraid that I will never shake this bad attitude. I am afraid that one day I will just start yelling at everyone around me to go away and leave me the fuck alone. I am afraid that I won't need to.
I can't find any zone, I can't focus for shit. All I want is out of here, out of my lease out of my job out of my family's zipcode. I know I should be looking on some bright side or trying to stay positive--but somewhere, some committee is deciding my fate in total secrecy. I am already on the "no" pile somewhere. Hopefully I am still in some "maybe" piles.
Nothing is ever good enough for me. I am so afraid that if I DO get into a school, I'll hate that, too. How am I supposed to see what's right for me, when everything is just always wrong?