365 days of being a writer: day 160

Today's post could read exactly like yesterday's. I can't break through this stuck place. Some of the things that haven't worked:

• Trying to write out and about
• Trying to write with someone else
• Trying to write with the internet/music on

I've been getting these little things (like tweet me a story and 250 word pieces) out, but all my interneting has shortened my attention span, I think. And trying to be sociable. I need to hibernate better.

Or not, who knows? I can't stick to a damn schedule--that's what I really think the problem is. I am afraid of failing and of succeeding. I am afraid of what will happen when I move. I am terrified that somehow, I won't move--that I'll be thwarted and stuck here forever.

I am afraid that I will never shake this bad attitude. I am afraid that one day I will just start yelling at everyone around me to go away and leave me the fuck alone. I am afraid that I won't need to.

I can't find any zone, I can't focus for shit. All I want is out of here, out of my lease out of my job out of my family's zipcode. I know I should be looking on some bright side or trying to stay positive--but somewhere, some committee is deciding my fate in total secrecy. I am already on the "no" pile somewhere. Hopefully I am still in some "maybe" piles.

Nothing is ever good enough for me. I am so afraid that if I DO get into a school, I'll hate that, too. How am I supposed to see what's right for me, when everything is just always wrong?