There is still only one "follower" on this blog. I haven't looked up who it is yet. If it's you, hello.
I have been drinking.
A very old, very good friend of mine came through town. Though I was mad, sad, and untouchable in my pain, I agreed immediately to meet him for dinner. That's what you do with people who still love you, difficult though you are, after more than 20 years. I expected a sad and admonitory (I'm making that one up, as I don't want to go to dictionary.com and see if it's real) conversation. It was not. We talked about people we had loved and who had loved us. We listed who we stalk on facebook and who we would if we could find them. We discussed the problems with facebook, and how we hated it, then we discussed further, and with glee, the folks we'd found unexpectedly, and what they said when we did. He hit on the waitress, I told him how the waitress probably thought he was a dirty old man.
All this to say, sometimes all I need is perspective on my pain and suffering. Someone who just met me can say, it could be worse, or, I know how you feel--but I don't know that to be true. With my friend Warren, he knows. He knows it has been worse, and he also knows (more importantly) that it is often bad just like this. But that it is all ok, 1, 3, 5 or 10 years later. We can look back and laugh at anything.
I am still heartbroken, I am still considering ending it all (writing career-wise) but maybe I will give the universe one more chance. Maybe not. I'm traditionally fickle like that.
My morning writing experiment continues, with positive results (except today, without an alarm, I wrote for too long--almost late for work). The biggest problem is that I don't have a fully funtioning vocabulary before I have been through all of my day and fourteen cups of coffee. I was having trouble remembering what you called the things on a CB radio where a particular person would talk and be talked to ("channels") and also what you called the things INSIDE of a house (just "rooms," not anything fancier). So this tells me to get my writing done in the morning, and my editing done at night.
I will keep trying to write in the am, but will have to miss Sunday due to a work engagement at 4 am. I don't think that even commitment is worth shit at 4 am.
McSweeney's postponed their announcements until Monday. I know I didn't get it. At the same time I really secretly deep down hope I did. Good night.