I worked myself up into a well and tearful lather tonight over the fact that (essentially) I am lacking critical guidance for MOST of this process and also there is a lot to do. It sounded more tragic earlier, I swear.
And really, it is--maybe not tragic--but it is sure as hell is a godamned drag. Not that the tragedy or drag-ness of it matters for anything. It's tragic/a drag I spent my twenties pursuing a career that wasn't right for me. It is tragic/a drag that my mom got laid off, that my car has grown unreliable to me, that my paycheck is so much less sufficient than it once was.
Gone are the days of pedicures, so while we're at it, my toes are a godamned tragedy, too.
I kid, because anything else is nearly unbearable. It's just. What if all this trying for school is a waste? Not being enshrouded in academia, I don't have the voice that speaks their language. I can't learn it unless they let me in, etc. I know I don't have to go to school, I could (as I so eloquently and with great gesticulations and histrionics wailed earlier) scramble together an income from writing, one nickel and dime at a time. I could tutor kids and re-write splash pages for small businesses and write for Demand and about and whoever else will pay me pennies on the dollar (more than anyone else). I could help you write your resume. Or blog for $0.02/word about "exciting real estate opportunities."
There are lots of ways to make money writing. But, and I can't stress this enough, it's not about making money, it's about making a living. It is about being able to structure my days so that they are full of reading and writing and teaching and editing. Probably even in that order. I can write beautiful sentences and shitty ones with or without a degree. What I want is some guidance and direction from people doing what I want to do. And I want the time and space to fall down on big blue gymnasium MATS before I have to go running around on the pavement.
Dear Great Pumpkin,
All I want for Halloween is a really great application packet and an extra half an hour a day to run.
In less morbid news, two new pieces at venuszine.com!
- Rice Pudding in 5 (hours) - I didn't even realize this was up. The coolest part was getting to chat (sadly, only over email) with Kathy Gori, who was the voice of Rosemary the Operator on Hong Kong Phooey.
- And, psych! The other one is just a placeholder. Hopefully it will be up tomorrow. But you can compulsively check the link if you'd like until then--I know I will!