This one was finally rejected by the McSweeney's new food editor today. After the rest of my awesome week I couldn't ask for a better way to usher in a miserable weekend. Thanks! Since there's really nowhere else to send this one, up it goes.
NEW FOOD: Michelina's Lean Gourmet Sesame Chicken
I am not completely ashamed to admit that I am a major consumer of frozen lunches. They are easy to grab when I am running late for work--which is to say, every day. Additionally, they allow me to keep an eye on my caloric intake. While my need for this is the subject of an entirely different essay, one likely starting out with "Clinical Journal: 1," the fact remains that they are a useful tool for managing my neuroses. While frozen lunches of the "calorie conscious" type are fairly reliable in their entree selections, the quality of said offerings vary widely. Normally, I prefer Amy's black bean enchiladas or Healthy Gourmet's beef pot roast, but being both broke and generally indolent, I decided to try Michelina's Lean Gourmet Sesame Chicken. Let me tell you, it's true: you get what you pay for.
First off, I don't remember any sesame seeds. Perhaps they used sesame oil, or the seeds had soaked in the sauce so long they lost their crunchiness. Whatever the reason, I would never have guessed sesame without looking at the box.
Second, let's talk chicken. Remember the pressed chicken product that was used to fabricate school lunch "chicken nuggets"? This chicken is that same sort of spongy beige-gray chewiness that gives way under teeth